Fact: Putting yourself "out there" is scary. It's scary for everyone. It's particularly scary for all the Hormonal Hannahs of the world who suffer from anxiety. Clinical anxiety is not just a bit of a worry over something, it's a constant running commentary in the sufferer's over-sensitive brain, analysing absolutely everything!
"Should I have said that?"
"Oh God, have I upset so-and-so?"
"Why did he just look at me like that?"
"Why on earth did I just share all that?"
"What on earth will they think of me?"
"Why am I so useless?"
"Everyone must think I'm an idiot."
And on and on...
So, putting stuff in writing - totally and utterly terrifying! There's no tone of voice; there's no facial expressions to interpret; there's no emphasis on certain words, it's just there in black and white (or blue and white), and people bring their own fears/guilt/worry/judgment/prejudices/love/hate/anxiety/joy/sadness and everything else they're holding onto, to their interpretation of those words.
Creative Clara can spend (literally) hours writing one blog, in an attempt to be clear with her words, but the fact is that people read what they want to read; they see, what they want to see, and so they think what they want to think. The truth is, that really Hormonal Hannah should stay out of the headlights! She doesn't need to blog. Baggy's original blog from five years ago was to help anyone else who might be going through the frightening experience of discovering a massive lump - if her experiences could help one other person, her job was done. Then the blog just kind of kept going, and once Baggy was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and Hormonal Hannah became leader of the gang, it seemed to help people in other ways. And Clara loves to write, so in spite of Hormonal Hannah's serious reluctance to put herself out there, Clara keeps getting back on the keyboard.
Clara has been a little illusive over the past few months, but today's prompt to put fingers to keyboard was a social media "memory". A really bad one! Today, four years ago, Baggy's original blog was blocked. In fact, it is still blocked, and marked as an "abusive" site. Baggy has never been able to get to the bottom of that, or to get it reinstated as a safe site, and it's always bugged her, but she realises that Hannah mustn't take it personally. (Naturally, she realises that, and totally ignores it - she takes it incredibly personally; how could she not, when the blog is totally personal?) But she knows that some people enjoy her blog, and Freda Fretter knows that some Baggees worry about her when she disappears. More than that, Clara writes her blog to entertain, and possibly to help others who struggle with things, so to be bullied out of doing that when people bring their own interpretations to her words, lets those people win.
Clever Bird knows that trying to please everyone is impossible, but because Baggy has had a series of abusive relationships in the past, (emotional, psychological and physical ones), when another such situation arrives in her life, she has a bad habit of accepting it, as if it's all that she deserves - and she once again becomes the doormat that anyone can walk over! She's always been that doormat since she was a small child, because it's easier to stay quiet than to answer back; it's easier to hide away quietly, than to voice an opinion; it's safer to agree, than to make your differing point. Except that it really isn't! Being that doormat causes serious emotional problems and high levels of stress, and what's more it's letting the person walking all over you have all of the control, which is just not healthy.
It's taken a lifetime for Baggy to acknowledge that fact. It's taken the unconditional love of an incredibly supportive husband to show Baggy that fact. It's taken hours of counselling-therapy to demonstrate to Baggy why she is so submissive to unpleasant people, and yet Hormonal Hannah will still choose to be a doormat just in case she upsets someone.
Well, perhaps this year, Baggy has finally found the strength to never be a doormat again. Hormonal Hannah will always over analyse everything, and she will probably always struggle to stand up for herself when confronted by unpleasantness, but at least she has finally realised that she doesn't need to accept it. Sometimes saying nothing, and getting out of the way is the right thing to do after all...
P.S Hannah's anxiety has stopped her pressing the "publish" button on this blog for the last thirty minutes as she doesn't want anyone thinking that she is writing about anything or anyone in particular - she isn't. But if you too are a doormat, she's sending you big hugs.
