Baggy's daily state!
Depression (Black = really bad/Grey = not great/Blue = okay/Yellow = sunny day): Grey.
Anxiety (From 1 = barely any to 10 = gibbering wreck standard): 6.
Tears: No.
Pancakes (Yes/No): Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
Weight in her terrifying naked state (Stones and pounds): ??
Sincere apologies Baggees, Baggy is alive, just in a very weird place!
Even Clever Bird cannot work out what is going on with Baggy currently. Maybe it's Hormonal Hannah's depression or perhaps Baggy is fighting a lurgy, but whatever it is, it's not great. The biggest challenges she is facing are that she is constantly tired, to the point of falling asleep in the afternoons and that she just has absolutely no desire to do anything. Not even to eat, unless of course it's bad stuff, preferably lots of carbs or very sweet. The good news is that she is fighting it. Thanks to the pooch, she's generally up and about by 7.00 these days. And of course Furry Mama has to take Pepper out for a walk, so that happens first thing and means that Baggy gets some fresh air. 
Then Clever Bird forces one of the gang to do something. Last week The Domestic Goddess drew the short straw. She made an accidental discovery though that nearly finished Baggy off. All Goddesses who truly warrant the name, are probably well aware of this little fact, but Baggy's Goddess had no idea: the best way to get carpets clean, especially at houses where lots of furries live, is to wash them with a wet rag (the carpets that is - not the furries, although now Clever Bird thinks about it that would probably work too!). Having accidentally made this discovery, The Goddess spent nearly two whole days crawling around with a dish cloth soaked in soapy "pet-stain" cleaning carpet shampoo. Staircase, hall and sitting room carpets finished up looking better than since they moved in fifteen months ago. Only twice as much again to do then!
This week it has been Gloria Gardener's turn! She has spent three days straight burning all the cuttings from previous work. Over thirty large black bags worth!! Consequently Baggy smells like a bonfire.
Creative Clara has also been busy writing her novel, although Hormonal Hannah has made her lose all confidence in it, so it's been on hold for a few days. She's only up to 40,000 words so far, so she needs to get back to it. But in that same spirit of uselessness, she also doesn't feel that she should be blogging. Who after all does she actually think she is? There is an answer to that of course - she's Baggy! With all her foibles, of which there are many. And an acknowledgement from Clever Bird that she needs to accept that she does have mental health issues! It's all very well merrily announcing that she suffers from anxiety and depression and that she's on happy pills for it, yes - big sharer - it's nothing to be ashamed of. And it really isn't. But and this is a very BIG but - Baggy doesn't entirely 'get it'.
The point is, that how she's currently feeling is everything to do with her mental health! There is no logical explanation to it other than that. She's not in a good place - simples! So why is that so hard for Clever Bird to accept? Because it seems pathetic that's why! And depressing ('scuse the flippant use of the word), and scary. The worst bit, aside from the not wanting to do anything, is the constant sick-panicky feeling, as though something awful is going to happen at any second. Ghastly!
The only time that she hasn't had that feeling in the last week was this morning. Grotty Groom and Calum wanted to spend some time with their Boys. On the way to the yard, Baggy felt totally panicked. It went slightly awry when they got there, as Pepper Pooch was looking forward to his ball-chasing session, but there was a dressage competition on, so Furry Mama couldn't oblige. Baggy got even more panicky, but then the groom suggested a space where Pepper could have a hurtle. It was only a brief one as it was snowing sideways and freezing, but it was enough for him to feel ready for a snooze in the car, while Grotty groomed the Boy Wessles.
As usual, Wesley was delighted to see Grotty and oh boy did she live up to her name. After a very happy hour's grooming, in entirely inappropriate Baggy clothes, (mad red harem pants, cute boots (from Baggy's sister), and four different tops, the top one of which was a red woolly jumper with a big flower on it), she really was grotty! The trousers and jumper were covered in white hairs and (forgive Clara for this), Baggy stank of horse wee, to go with the still strong aroma of bonfire - lovely.
As they left the yard, it took about five minutes for Clever Bird to realise that the sick-panicky feeling was back - and therefore to acknowledge that it hadn't been there for the whole time that Grotty was with Wesley. Therefore the screamingly obvious question for Hormonal Hannah is, 'If you feel so much better when you're with Wesley, why the hell do you stay away from him?' And that is another easy answer - IT IS BECAUSE BAGGY HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. That is it - there is no simple answer. Grotty is stopped from seeing her horse because Hormonal Hannah feels so guilty that she isn't there for him. See - no logic - the sooner Clever Bird can accept that the better - she is not very well. She's not really ill, but she's not very well. And SHE HATES IT.
Fact: depression and anxiety are a mental illness - they are real and they might be invisible, but they are very hard to live with, especially if, like Baggy, you don't entirely believe that there is anything wrong with you really. It would be so much easier if it showed on the outside, but like so many illnesses is doesn't. Never judge a book by its cover, or a person by their outward confidence, because depression and anxiety are both silent destroyers.........
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