Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!
Depression: Hanging around.
Anxiety: Omnipresent.
Tears: Some.
Laughs: Yep.
Social media is constantly criticised for lots of reasons, one of the main ones being that it can cause people with mental health issues to be triggered, or suffer more, because their life doesn't match up to what their 'friends' are doing:
- The gorgeous selfies;
- the glamorous holidays;
- the beautiful homes;
- the perfect children;
- the supportive partners;
- the loving family;
- the wide group of best friends;
- the stunning gardens;
- the amazing hobbies;
- the immaculately behaved pets;
- the brilliant exam results
- the incredible jobs etc etc.
And yes, Clever Bird knows that all of those things are real - they're not made up - people post those things because they're happy and proud of them, and why shouldn't they be? Often times that is all they post, because the rest of the time they feel that their life is ordinary, and not worth sharing. Clever Bird gets it. Why would you want a photo of yourself looking ghastly, forever on the world stage? Or statuses admitting that your life is unravelling? Or that you've just failed at consecutive job interviews?
Then there's the 'fishing' status - ones where people hint at something, without actually saying what is wrong - purportedly just fishing for sympathy. These can be worrying and annoying for friends and family reading them, but Clever Bird gets those ones too! At least people are trying to be honest, even if they can't quite bring themselves to put it into the ether in words of one syllable! And they probably do need support, they just daren't actually ask for it directly.
And frankly, is it any surprise that social media is like this? Clever Bird thinks not!
Creative Clara and the rest of the gang put themselves out there for the world to see, warts-and-all! Why? Well, truthfully Baggees, Freda Fretter regularly asks herself that very question. The original reason was because people encouraged her to write a blog, because they liked her social media statuses that first introduced the gang, and her writing style. Then when Baggy was told that she probably had advanced ovarian cancer, the first blog, ( www.baggybodys.blogspot.com ) became a description of her recovery, with the hope that it might just help someone else going through the same surgery. The blog developed from there and has become, what it has become - a description of Baggy's life.
Or has it?
That first blog was, and still is, 'blocked', as an 'unsafe site' with 'offensive' content! To this day, Baggy has no idea why, and zero way of finding out or defending it and herself. So Freda Fretter is constantly trying to second-guess what Creative Clara is able to write without 'offending' someone.
For a person who suffers from anxiety, this is a nightmare! But there's much more to it than that.
There are reasons why Baggy's blogs have gone from being written every day, to only appearing once a week, or less. And this is where Hormonal Hannah is going to try really hard to be totally honest.
Freda Fretter tells people who ask, that it's because most of Baggy's days are pretty much the same, and there are only so many times that Clara can write that Furry Mama has been to the beach with Pepper Pooch; that The Domestic goddess has done a bit of cleaning etc. Yet, this is only a tiny part of the whole story - like most people's media statuses.
The truth is that Baggy is falling into the social media trap - because frankly she just cannot win!
Firstly, this is not a 'fishing' blog (very far from it in fact), and Baggy is the first to tell the world, that she is a very lucky and fortunate woman. Clara is not going to list why - she just is!
However, facts:
- she comes from an extremely dysfunctional family background
- she suffers from bouts of mild depression
- she lives with fairly constant anxiety.
None of which has stopped her from living a full and amazing life and achieving a great deal; and these things are not who she is, they do not define her, but they are a very big part of her personality. As this blog is written with the hope that it helps others who suffer from the same mental health issues, or helps inform people who don't, just what it's like to live with them, it is time for some home truths.
It's not rocket science, that everyone's experience is unique, as every person is unique. Hormonal Hannah's anxiety is hers, and hers alone. It makes her:
- exceptionally over sensitive
- extremely concerned about what other people think of her
- terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing
- constantly worried about offending people
- always feeling that she has failed (even when the facts say the opposite)
- needing reassurance all the time
- feeling inadequate and unworthy
Just typing that list has made Baggy feel physically sick, her heart is racing and her hands are shaking, and Freda Fretter and Hormonal Hannah are both screaming at Creative Clara to delete it all immediately. Why? Because Clever Bird knows what will now happen - people will be sympathetic, or worse, critical. And that is not the point. In fact it's so far from the point as to be inexplicable. She is not fishing for reassurance; she does not want a pat on the back for getting through the day; or for being honest; and she certainly doesn't want to be told that she has a lovely life and needs to stop worrying.
How can anyone seriously believe that people worry about things because they choose to?
So perhaps Clara is failing in her writing, because she's tried, and apparently failed, to explain on quite a few occasions just what anxiety does to Hannah's thought processes. And she's totally fallen into the trap of attempting to write 'to please', rather than completely honestly.
When Hannah is 'praised' for being positive, her anxiety immediately tells her that 'everyone must think she's usually really negative'.
When Hannah is told 'not to worry', it's a fine line between her bursting into tears, or snapping the speaker's head off.
When Hannah is told 'not to dwell on the bad things', she falls into the social media trap of only blogging about the good things.
When Hannah is told 'that everything is sounding good', she feels as if her eight-year-old self has just been patted on the head for once in her life, and is desperate for that praise - but her adult-self feels patronised and embarrassed that people feel the need to say that to her.
When Hannah is told, 'well, so-and-so person had the same thing, and they didn't have that problem - or that wasn't their experience,' she is hurt and angry that someone is basically saying that her experience is therefore ridiculous/wrong/invalid/pathetic/exaggerated/or just not real.
The truth is that it is extremely difficult to be honest about your weaknesses in a world that seems to require perfection in everything that you do; and sometimes you have to say 'enough is enough'. For the sake of your own mental health, if seeing 'perfect' lives on social media is a problem, try to resist following social media.
If you fall into the trap that Baggy has fallen into, of not being true to yourself, because the world 'needs' to see you coping/doing well/being positive/loving every second of life, so you start to 'spin' things to sound more positive - then maybe it's time to step away from social media. Pretending to the world that that is the case, makes it even harder to accept the reality, that just maybe, life isn't perfect all of the time; and actually that's okay - it's called living.
But whatever Clara writes in Baggy's blogs, it regularly feels to Hannah as though it's impossible for her to 'get it right'.
Baggy can explain no better, and no more, but the mere fact that this blog has taken nearly three hours to write, and has left Hannah mentally drained, for the sake of her emotional well-being, Baggy is going to take heed of her own intuition, and with considerable regret (and much guilt), for now at least, she is stepping away to protect Hannah from what is becoming a negative spiral.....
Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!Depression: Absent.
Anxiety: Off the Richter-scale.
Tears: Loads.
Laughs: Hmmmm .
When a surgery is so common, run-of-the-mill, minor, routine, ordinary, blah-de-blah-blah; as cataract surgery is generally described, it is easy to forget that it is still surgery, and therefore a trauma to the body. Clever Bird has fallen for this entirely! It clearly says in the after-care instructions that Baggy should take it extremely easy for at least a fortnight, and that the eye can take up to six weeks to heal properly. By this Clever Bird also presumes that that means the brain getting to grips with the new eye.
Naturally, Clever Bird assumed that she would be 100% back to normal by now - one week after surgery - or rather, she felt that she should be. Of course, this is nonsense on many levels:
- the eye is not yet healed. Baggy has to use anti-inflammatory drops three times a day for another two weeks.
- she still has to wear her sexy eye patch at night for another day.
- she must wear sunglasses when she's outside.
- as the light is still too much, she also bought herself a hat today, to add to her batty old lady look.
- she is extremely tired - sleeping over twelve hours a night - or more accurately, being in bed for that time, not necessarily sleeping for that long.
- she must not risk getting anything in her eye!
This last is highly restrictive! Grotty Groom cannot go to the yard. Gloria Gardener must not garden. Furry Mama should not really go on the beach. Baggy must not get her eye wet, so cannot swim.
Of course, that means that all of Hormonal Hannah's happy things, to keep her depression and anxiety at bay, have been unavailable for a week, and will remain unavailable for at least another week. Add to that, that the surgery itself, left Hannah feeling extremely vulnerable anyway, and Hannah has been struggling. Being pretty much housebound this week, as number one furry is away at work, hasn't helped; so today, Baggy decided to risk driving for the first time.
She needed to go into town to post off a Realuv parcel, pick up Pepper Pooch's worm and flea treatments, and collect two cleaned horse rugs. It's only two miles and Baggy did consider walking it, but Furry Mama pointed out that it was too hot, and carrying the rugs home - well, that wasn't going to happen!! Baggy drove slowly, and was fine. She parked at the vets' and stepped out, and nearly landed on her face. It was only as she was chatting to the receptionist, that Clever Bird realised just how far her brain still has to go to get unconfuddled.
As Baggy looked at all the signs on the wall behind the reception desk, she realised what has changed. Even, before surgery Baggy could easily read the signs - yes they were a little dull and foggy, but she could read them. Today, they were jumping about all over the place!! Baggy closed her bionic eye - all was readable. Baggy closed her right eye - everything started jumping. Clever Bird can only think that it might be a little how dyslexic people see letters; they just wouldn't stay still enough for her to focus on them.
Clever Bird drove very slowly on to town, and decided to spend some time there for Hannah's sake, as well as to relax before the drive home. Safely home once more, Freda Fretter has decided that she won't be driving again for a few more days at least!! And Clever Bird has recognised that Baggy is far from back-to-normal. The honest truth is that Hannah has had more than one meltdown this week, but chatting to the various shopkeepers in lovely little Halesworth town today, helped no end.
As did, sitting in the gorgeous Saxon church in the village yesterday, and having a baby meltdown whilst the pooch looked after his mama......
Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!Depression: Absent.
Anxiety: Okay.
Tears: More runny-eyes.
Laughs: :) .
Baggy ended up heading to an emergency appointment at her GP's on Friday afternoon - the diagnosis was vertigo, caused by having to lie still during her surgery. Pills were collected from the pharmacy - but not taken, as Clever Bird wanted to see whether she could get better without them. She did! Baggy is considerably better than she was, but there is a 'however'. That being that her brain still hasn't caught up with her new eye!
Creative Clara will backtrack a little! Baggy's brain has flipped between her weaker left eye, and her stronger right eye, probably since childhood. The weak eye was never diagnosed when she was little, so got gradually weaker and in her twenties, began to get short-sighted. However, as her right eye was perfect, Baggy could see! The right eye did all the long distance stuff, the left eye did all the close up stuff. Then the cataract started to form - (probably due to one of Grotty Groom's various bangs on the head), and the left eye became pretty useless. Of course it wasn't your usual cataract which starts on the outside and works in, nope, Baggy's started in the middle and worked its way outwards, so her vision got bad. All she could see from that eye was a vague blur.
Consequently, the current opticians, consultants and surgeons, all kept telling Baggy that she had a lazy eye. And yes, that made sense to Clever Bird. However, a 'lazy eye' is an actual condition - a neurological one that means that your brain does not recognise that eye (even if it's working perfectly). Hence being told not to expect the surgery to make much difference to her vision.
WRONG! Baggy's brain works in its own unique little way and is now extremely 'confuddled' about what's going on! It is so used to relying on her right eye, that suddenly having the option of her left one is confusing it no end! Indeed, her new bionic left eye is far better than her right (slightly long-sighted one) - it even sees colours better! But it's taking Baggy's brain a while to figure it out! Currently, the two eyes working together are totally throwing out Baggy's sense of perspective! She's tripping over things, knocking things off the table, and last night thought that Calum had melted the frying pan, so that it had become oval instead of circular!! Clever Bird has decided that for the time being, she had better not let Baggy drive!
The good news though, is that despite it being the most terrifying experience for Hormonal Hannah, Baggy would have it done again! The improvement in her vision is amazing. Creative Clara keeps getting all excited about how bright colours are, and how detailed all kinds of things are, that she thought she could see reasonably well before.
Clever Bird is so happy that the National Health Service is so amazing. Of course, it has its issues, and could certainly be more efficient, but heaven knows where Baggy would be without it. She read something the other day, suggesting that everyone should be given a pre-paid invoice whenever they had treatment on the NHS so that they truly appreciate what they've had done, and the cost of their treatment. Of course, it's a great idea, but not one that makes sense, as it would cost so much to set-up. However, just thinking about it at all, is a good thing!
Truthfully, Baggy must have had literally hundreds-of-thousands of pounds worth of treatment over her lifetime, and she is extremely grateful for it. Now she just needs to negotiate her way to the kitchen to make a nice cuppa, without tripping over something.....
Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!
Depression: Absent.
Anxiety: Definitely warranted.
Tears: Dribbly ones.
Laughs: Yep.
Well Baggees, it seemed appropriate to update you all on Baggy's cataract surgery, which she had yesterday. As you regulars know, both Hormonal Hannah and Freda Fretter were more than a little worried about it! It would have been a little surprising if they hadn't been, but as someone who suffers from anxiety, it was inevitable. Also, for those of you fortunate folk who do not, and have never suffered from anxiety, it might be useful of Clever Bird to explain something:
Yes - anxiety is merely in your head, and, Yes - it is frequently irrational.
However, knowing that, and being able to do anything about it are two entirely different things. Now, in the case of surgery a) worrying about it is not irrational and b) being told by all-and-sundry, that cataract surgery is 'no big deal', 'loads of people have it', 'you'll wonder afterwards what on earth you were worrying about', 'just relax', 'it'll be fine' etc - supportive and well-meaning as that is undoubtedly meant to be, is not at all helpful to someone who suffers from anxiety. It just makes them feel more distressed, because they feel that they cannot voice their anxiety, because clearly it must be silly.
In Baggy's case, add in the fact that she has a 'thing' about anyone going near her eyes, and frankly she was terrified! The appointment wasn't until 12.30 and Ipswich Hospital is an hour away, but Hannah insisted on setting off at 10.00. Baggy's lovely sister arrived before 10.00 to look after Pepper Pooch, at which point Baggy took her first Diazepam in an attempt to get Hannah to stop freaking out. A second pill was popped with a toastie and a cappuccino, while they waited at the hospital café for 12.30 to arrive; but Hannah was still scared. Number one furry was wonderfully supportive, and constantly making Baggy laugh to distract her, but it didn't really help a lot.
In they went to the Ophthalmology Day Unit, (the first to arrive), and Calum had to leave Baggy. Shortly, another six or so patients arrived, as there were two theatres in action. Baggy probably brought the average age down by ten years! The staff were amazing with Baggy. But none of the other women was at all bothered about the surgery, which just made Hannah feel even worse and more ridiculous for being a tearful, terrified, shaky mess! Clever Bird had a word with her nurse,
'You know I've had Diazepam as I'm so scared.'
'Yes.'
'Well, do you think I could take another?'
'How much have you had?'
'10mg'.
'Urrrm, no!'
'Oh! But it says to take up to 20mg pre-operation.'
'You'd be comatosed!'
'Ooooo, perfect!'
'The most people usually take is 5mg.'
'So I can't?'
'Best not.'
The consultant came to see Baggy and drew an arrow above her left eye. He was great, and very understanding of Hannah's fear. He also said, 'Of course, it's unlikely that you'll see any improvement in your vision as you have a lazy eye, but at least the blur will have gone.'
By the time Baggy was in her wheel-chair, having had about twenty drops in her eye, she was shaking. The wheel-chair was cleverly made into the operating table, via a button. The theatre nurse had to demonstrate how this worked to a trainee, so Baggy went up-and-down, up-and-down, while he figured it out. Freda Fretter piped up, 'Do you think we could just do this, and forget the surgery?'
The consultant explained everything, as he put a little tent over Baggy's head, and stuck part of it around her eye, before cutting a hole in it. Then the nightmare began. The more he explained what he was doing, the more Hannah wished that he would shut up, and just get on with it!
Suffice to say, that the twenty minutes or so that the surgery took, felt like two hours to Hannah. Creative Clara will not go into details, as some of you are undoubtedly waiting for the same surgery, but let's just say that Baggy was gripping her left hand so hard with her right one, that at one point she thought that she'd broken her finger. A few times, the pressure on her eye made her physically flinch away from it, which of course made her worry even more that she would make the surgeon 'hit' the wrong bit. But as you are not allowed to speak......
Anyway, as soon as it was over, Hannah found herself desperately trying not to cry, in case it caused damage! She remembered to thank the consultant, then was wheeled back out. Baggy's nurse was waiting for her, in a room full of other patients. She took one look at Baggy's face, and said, 'Bless you, I'll get you a cup of tea.'
As she plopped it, and some custard creams in front of Baggy, she asked, 'So how was it?' Clever Bird didn't want to answer in front of the ladies waiting to go in, so she said, very quietly,
'Well, put it this way, I wish I'd said 'yes' to a general anaesthetic, and thank goodness I only had the one cataract!'
At that point, Calum arrived, much to Baggy's joy, and she relaxed enough to listen to another lady who had just had her surgery, telling the lady next to her,
'Oh, it was nothing. You don't need to worry.'
The sunlight was blinding, as Baggy walked out looking like a space-monkey with her dilated pupil. The car headlights were creating rainbows above the car roofs. The colours of the flowers were amazing. Even through the plastic eye-protector Baggy realised that her vision from that eye had improved dramatically.
Today, after a good night's sleep, Baggy got up feeling very peculiar - please don't say 'so what's new?' Baggees! Apart from shaking like a leaf, she felt extremely drunk. Some of this might be the after effects of the Diazepam but Clever Bird knows that not all of it is! She can only describe it as a feeling of vertigo. Baggy can only safely get around if she holds onto walls or furniture, as the floor is constantly moving underneath her! It is most disconcerting. There is no mention of such a reaction in the post-operative notes.
Clever Bird looked on t'internet for the definition of a lazy eye. Then wished that she hadn't. As lazy eye is a neurological thing, in theory, the new lens in Baggy's eye is irrelevant; hence the consultant's statement. However, with hindsight, Clever Bird should have known that she did not have a lazy eye! Nine or so years ago, after a five day stay in hospital with concussion and a suspected broken neck (thanks to Grotty Groom being thrown from Wessles), she saw an ophthalmic consultant due to her severe double-vision. Baggy was told at that time that she had a very clever brain, that switched her vision from her left to her right eye and back, depending on which eye was best for the distance that it was focussing on.
For the last few years, Baggy's left eye has been worse than useless, so her brain has been purely right eye focussed! Now Baggy's left eye seems to be better than her right! And her brain has gone into meltdown! As long as she's sitting down she's fine. Stand up, and she sways like a reed in the wind! Calum has made Clever Bird call the hospital this morning as Freda is getting in a state about it, the nurse wasn't too sure whether Baggy should be concerned or not so is going to speak to a doctor, but she seemed hopeful that Baggy's brain will adjust and figure it out. If she's still wandering around like a sailor who's been on a ship for the previous three months, and is now on firm ground, than she must call again tomorrow, but even Freda is optimistic that Clever Bird's super-brain will get it sussed and relearn to deal with perspective.......
