Depression is an oxymoron in itself!

Note to readers (my lovely bloggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every character in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Baggy is a very lucky person in many ways. She is particularly lucky that her mental health issues are not serious. Everything (well lots of things anyway), come(s) in degrees, and thankfully the depression and anxiety that Hormonal Hannah has caused Baggy to suffer, is relatively mild. This however does not stop it from having a fairly dramatic effect. This morning was a struggle. Baggy just wanted to stay in bed and not leave the duvet, or the comfort of three furries once again having hopped on the bed with her.

Depression, for anyone who hasn't (or thinks that they haven't) suffered it, is its own oxymoron. Why? Well because it's perfectly possible to be comfortable in your own skin, content with your lot and really very happy with life and able to count all your Blessings, while at the same time feeling an overwhelming sadness like a pressure on your chest. You can be smiling and talking to someone, even laughing with them, while fighting with yourself to not cry. You can be walking in the countryside thinking what a beautiful day it is, but feeling as though you don't want to be part of it. You can desperately want to go out, shopping, walking the mutt, meeting a friend, to see the horses, but not actually be able to bring yourself to do it. You can recognise all the good in your life while just thinking that you don't deserve any of it.

Then the anxiety kicks in: something is sure to go wrong - it always does. You don't deserve to be so fortunate and be feeling so low. You're just selfish for being like this. Other people would love to be in your position, so what on earth is the matter with you? And on, and on, with the cloud getting darker and more threatening.

But with help from a stress management course, counselling, HRT and happy pills and A LOT of help from Clever Bird and Baggy's number one furry, plus her family, friends and bloggees, Baggy feels as though she can finally handle Hormonal Hannah a little better. She might even be starting to understand her a bit, and to make friends with her. How? By keeping her so busy doing things with the rest of the gang, that she doesn't have time to think. It doesn't totally work. Grotty Groom hasn't been able to persuade Baggy to take her to see the Boys today, but frankly, they are so chilled they probably won't have noticed, especially as they got used to not seeing her for days at a time (see - GUILT!!!).

But Furry Mama and The Domestic Goddess have worked Baggy's socks off today. Now Clever Bird would just like to provide a word of advice here to all bloggees who might be moving house: when your Domestic God(dess) starts unloading your boxes, do not under any circumstances just merrily let them put random stuff in any available space - you will regret it later! Now perhaps your Domestic persona is really a God or Goddess, unlike Baggy's Domestic Goddess, whose middle names are "Not A", but if you let them do this, you will soon a) run out of space b) not be able to find anything and c) have to entirely re-pack, re-move and re-store everything - more than once. Baggy's Goddess has so far today spent nearly two hours trying to reclaim one of the most useful storage spaces in the house - a little walk-in wardrobe/cupboard. The house is such a mess again - stuff from the garage, stuff from Realuv, stuff from emptied boxes with no home etc etc. Minty Mutt decided to help.

Gloria Gardener wasn't too impressed, but Furry Mama didn't mind.

Where to start?

Five hours later, not one room is yet re-claimed. How can two people have so much stuff? The Goddess decided to at least move some stuff back out of the house. The duvet, and pillows, plus all the covers from Calum's lorry were washed by her yesterday. He has pinched the ones from Billy Bob camper van, so Clever Bird decided to put Calum's ones into Billy Bob to try to re-claim the bathroom. The Goddess went to get the dry duvet cover from the airer in the bathroom. Hormonal Hannah started to get very grumpy when Baggy couldn't untangle the duvet cover from the airer. She lifted its legs, the duvet was still stuck - then it wriggled. Clever Bird finally realised that a certain Bracket kat was curled up asleep inside it............

Keeping the black cloud at bay.

Note to readers (my lovely bloggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every character in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

The pesky black cloud was hovering over Baggy this morning. She's never great on a Monday, when number one furry, Calum, has left for work for the week. Today he was up at 4.30am and Hormonal Hannah tried to stop Baggy getting back to sleep. She must have succeeded though, as she had a rude awakening at 6.30am when the mighty Hinge cat decided it was high time that Furry Mama got up, and landed on Baggy's stomach. Believe Creative Clara when she tells you that this HURTS! Hinge might be a cat, but she weighs nearly ten kilograms!

Furry Mama realised that Bracket kat was curled up by Baggy's feet, so as Baggy rolled Hinge off her, she decided to get out of the bed (so Hormonal Hannah could go to the loo), from Calum's side; she rolled over to do just that, only to realise that Minty Mutt was lying on the bed next to her. How on earth ten-stone of German Shepherd had got on the bed without disturbing Baggy is beyond Clever Bird, but he had. Furry Mama was so chuffed that three of her furries were on her bed, she went back to sleep. When she awoke again at 9.30am the black cloud had receded somewhat. Baggy took her happy pill and after a while it receded a little further, but Hannah was still making Baggy want to cry.

Clever Bird decided that Baggy should be kept busy, so muttering to herself constantly about what she would do today, she started her day:

Furry Mama feed the furries and clean the litter trays.
Baggy have a shower.
The Domestic Goddess needs to put a load of washing on.
Get Baggy dressed.
Furry Mama to take Minty Mutt for a long walk.
Grotty Groom needs to find the fleeces from the garage and put them in the car.
Furry Mama to settle Minty with the telly and some chews.
Grotty to head over to the yard and groom the Boys and give them a cuddle.
The Domestic Goddess must go food shopping on the way home, as none was done at the weekend.
Put the food away. Hang the washing up. Put the old washing away. Make some lunch.
Re-claim the garage! Again!

(Now this one was rather annoying! It had taken The Goddess two whole days last week to re-claim the garage from the chaos!

She did it so that when Calum brought Billy Bob camper van home, he could go in the garage. He came home on Wednesday night. Calum drove him in - realised he couldn't open the doors to get out of him - Clever Bird checked how much further he could come in, only to realise that the back end was still a foot outside the garage - they gave up, Calum drove him out again. On Saturday the garage was filled up again - with horse stuff!!!!!!)

Wash the salt off Billy Bob.
Start to re-claim the house - which is now a dumping ground for a large amount of the "stuff" that was removed from the garage.
Make sure Creative Clara checks her Etsy shop and writes her blog.

Do all of the above to keep the depression at bay, because what Baggy actually wanted to do this morning was to stay in bed with her furries! But guess what bloggees, she didn't - she and the gang have completed the whole list - well, kind of, no house re-claiming has happened yet, but it's only 5.00pm, so there's time!

Grotty Groom is so lucky now. At the new yard the Boys are on full livery, as DIY is not an option. Although they have been on full livery for the last sixteen months, it wasn't the same. Hormonal Hannah has made Grotty feel guilty for at least the last ten months that she wasn't looking after the Boys herself. Since her various surgeries, Baggy is nowhere near as fit as she was, and certainly nowhere near as strong, but Grotty probably could have looked after the horses for at least some of the time. But now it's not an option, so the guilt has gone. It's really lovely just spending time with them without all the work, time and responsibility of totally looking after them. It also gives Baggy so much more time for all the other stuff she needs to do. For instance, the two hours it took to re-claim the garage again today, watched by the Minty Mutt.

Moving to the new house, has definitely been a positive move. Once the roads are a little less frozen, the next step will be getting on with sorting out the holiday let..........

Settling in.

Note to readers (my lovely bloggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every characcter in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Getting up this morning was a challenge for Baggy! Not because Hormonal Hannah was being difficult, nope, just because she was exhausted. Well yes Clever Bird might be right, it could also have had something to do with the whole bottle of wine that Baggy consumed last night of course. And the sugar-rush caused by the half box of Lindor chocolates consumed - there's a very good reason for that though, they were a new flavour, orange, and Lindor are Baggy's favourite chocolates, so she had to try them. Possibly not half the box, but still, they were there. It would have been the whole box had number one furry not eaten the rest. Oh, and the quarter of a large Victoria Sponge cake might have added to the problem as well. But anyway, she did enjoy it all! And she did manage to get up.

Furry Mama and Calum took Minty Mutt for a walk via the (seriously naughty over-tempting) farm shop. They were good, Calum did buy cakes, but for everyone at the new yard, not for Baggy and him. Mind you there is still a half a cake left at home! A chicken was purchased for tea and bread and ham to make sarnies to take to the yard.

Grotty Groom and Cal then left Minty Mutt with a pile of biscuits, a Western on the telly and the cats for company and headed to the yard. There was a clinic happening in the indoor school today and Grotty wanted to see what it was all about, as well as spending some time with the Boys. The manager greeted them when they arrived to say that the Boys had been fast asleep when their breakfast was delivered at 5.00am. And that they'd been out for a leg stretch. Joey wasn't bothered by anything, but Wesley was rather concerned about the new environment and not totally convinced that he wanted to be out in it. No surprises there then!

Grotty and Calum groomed the Boys (who'd already been groomed), but who enjoyed the extra pampering as they munched their ad lib hay. They enjoyed the extra carrots even more and settled down for another snooze as Grotty and Calum went off to watch the groundwork clinic for a while. It's the kind of stuff that Grotty loves doing with Wesley, but as she watched it for a while longer, Clever Bird realised that it wasn't the method that Grotty likes to use, so she headed off to unload more bits from the car and store them in their special boxes in the tack room: boots, hats, body protectors, air jacket, grooming kits etc etc. The boxes were soon full!

Back to the Boys for more cuddles.

They seem extremely relaxed in their new homes. One very big thing less for Freda Fretter to worry about!

After a few more carrots were distributed, they headed home. On the way, they drove past a Care Home that Calum's Great Aunt has moved in to. Calum wanted to visit her, as he's not seen her for years and Baggy has never met her. So in they went. They explained to the staff who they were, just as the lady herself arrived in the hall. It took quite a while to explain who Calum was as she could not hear well, and Calum is disguised behind a red and green beard. But once she realised, they spent a pleasant ninety minutes chatting and reminiscing. She is ninety-seven years old, but looks seventy and is as sharp as a twenty year old. She is a wonderful poet and recited one of her poems to Calum and Baggy - Creative Clara loved it and wished she'd had her phone on to record it! Next time maybe. She said that she never usually walked around as her leg was bad, which was the only reason she had gone into care, and it was only the second time she had been to the front door in months, so she was beginning to believe in a God, because she'd found us there and thought we were visiting someone else. Lovely lady.

The roast chicken supper is now just coming together, (Calum is in charge) while Creative Clara blogs and tries to resist opening another bottle of wine.......

The Boys are here!

Note to readers (my lovely bloggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every character in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Today was the day that Baggy's family became complete again!

Baggy, her numbers one and two furries, Calum and Minty Mutt were up (at the soon-to-be-a-holiday-cottage), at 6.30am. Yes, quite bloggees, the crack of dawn! Unheard of for Baggy since Hormonal Hannah's influence. And please note that yesterday, she was up at 5.30am!!!!!! But needs must, as Grotty Groom was determined to be at the yard for 7.30am - she should have got up at 6.00!

They arrived at the yard at 8.00am. The Boys had no hay, so by the time Grotty and Calum had filled nets and given them to the "starving" horses - this is clear from their very round, well-covered tummies - NOT! - it was already 8.15.

Hormonal Hannah put Grotty into a flap.

"I need to groom the horses Calum, I can't take them to a new yard looking like this!" cried Freda Fretter.

"Well get on with it then".

Good point. Grotty and Calum groomed, in between packing the rest of the Boys' stuff. Clever Bird tried to work out how many horses they actually had: two or ten? Seriously how much stuff do two horses need? Well, enough stuff for ten horses apparently.

"Calum, can you let me know when it's quarter-to-nine please?"

"Yes, why?"

"Because I need to get their travel boots and tail guards on before the transport arrives", squeaked Grotty, in a total flap.

Nerves got the better of Grotty - loo trip needed for Baggy.  By the time she got back she had ten minutes to get the boots on. As she put the last boot on Wesley, the transport arrived. Waaaaaaaaaah! Freda went into total panic mode.

"Will Wesley load?" It's taken two hours before now. Grotty's yard friend Sarah offered to help. Bless her she shooed Baggy off and put Wesley's bridle and head-collar on. Wesley picks up on Baggy's nerves, so it's best to stay out of the way. Wesley considered his options: 1) get on that teeny-weeny box and get taken to who knows where 2) don't get on! After a couple of minutes he decided that perhaps he was off to that lovely place he had been to in July and November, Ashen Equestrian Centre, he got on. Joey followed. Baggy breathed again.

Hugs with Sarah, who gave Calum and Grotty a lovely card and bottle of wine, and they were off.

Horsebox, followed by number one furry driving Dodgy truck and then Baggy and Minty Mutt in Brucie car. Suddenly Calum was whizzing past the horse box.

"What?", panicked Freda. Calum hopped out and spoke to the horsebox driver. A U-turn ensued. Clever Bird realised why - the sat. nav. was sending the horsebox under an eight foot bridge - it wouldn't have fitted. Joey and Wessles do not need a haircut!!! There was a car behind Baggy. She thanked the driver for waiting as she passed her, only to realise that it was Vicki-May, Grotty's trainer!! She hasn't seen her for weeks - weird Universe! Quick chat and Baggy was off again, as she had no idea how to get to the yard.

It's very squiggly country roads, so it took ninety-minutes to get there, but they arrived on time. Joey, then Wessles got off the box, looked about a bit - "Ooooooo, we're not at Ashen", "Mind you it looks nice though". Both happily toddled into their new stables.

"Straw!!!!"

Grotty couldn't get Wessle's head-collar off as he was too keen on eating the straw!

Baggy relaxed, both Boys were totally relaxed. And breathe. Grotty put hay on the floor. Both horses carried on eating straw. After a chat with the yard owner, Calum and Baggy headed home, with most of the Boys' stuff! They unloaded the pick-up. Hormonal Hannah wanted to cry as she watched the garage being filled with horsey stuff - ten horses' worth of horsey stuff. The Domestic Goddess swore! "Two days, two days it took to clear that garage, and now....."

"I know we shouldn't Calum, but shall we go and get something to eat before we head back to the yard?" asked Baggy.

"Good idea".

Baggy gave a sigh of relief, having had her head bitten off a few times during the unloading - number one furry's sugars were clearly off. They hadn't eaten and it was now 2.30pm. Lovely lunch at the village café, supper bought at the village shop, then back to the new yard.

More chatting. Tack hung up. Riding hats etc stored. Wessles and Joey checked and cuddled. Rugs sorted. Carrots fed. Time to go home again.

Baggy relaxed for the first time in days! The Boys are fine!

Baggy asked Calum a few days ago, "Cal, why is my depression back? I'm not stressed".

"Seriously, you're not stressed? Are you kidding?"

"Why?"

"Moving house. Sorting the house. Money problems. Land issues. Leaking roof. Funeral. Sorting the holiday cottage. Blog, or no blog. Waiting for my cat scan results. Moving the horses, do you want me to go on?"

"Well, when you put it like that...."

So when they got home, Calum opened the wine. Now wine and anti-depressants are not a great mix, but still....... Baggy drank wine, while The Domestic Goddess got supper ready, a steak and kidney pie from the farm shop, with mash and veg. She switched the oven on and waited for it to heat up. When the light went out to say the oven was ready, The Goddess put the pie in. It needed fifty minutes, so twenty five minutes later, she switched the veg on.

Creative Clara wanted to blog, so The Goddess asked Calum to take over supper!

"The pie will be ready at 7.00pm, the veg. are on, can you just bring it together while I blog? Thank you".

"Sure". Baggy's lovely husband went out and checked the veg. A while later he checked the pie.

"Well it won't be ready at 7.00".

"WHY? Oh ****, I didn't put it in the wrong oven did I? I did didn't I?"

Double ovens are marvellous aren't they bloggees, and then again?........ Ah well, sorry, but Baggy is exhausted! Supper will be in another hour then................

So what's been happening in Baggy land?

Note to readers (my lovely bloggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every person in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Clever Bird has realised that Creative Clara probably needs to give a bit of a catch-up on Baggy's last few weeks. Firstly, thanks to Hormonal Hannah and Freda Fretter, Baggy has been in a sulk since she last blogged in early December. Being "blocked" kind of threw her, and Hannah and Freda put her into a mini-meltdown over it! Unfortunately, they also were partially the cause of Baggy beginning to slip back into depression. The "block" not only really hurt and upset Baggy, but it also enabled Hormonal Hannah to do the whole, "Well, you know you're not good enough to blog"- thing. And despite lots of friends and family who know Baggy personally, ensuring her that they enjoy the blog and didn't want her to stop, Hannah won the argument. No blog. Barely any Facebook. A very hurt Baggy sulked.

The extra couple of hours Baggy acquired a day with Creative Clara not needing to blog, was useful! It gave the Domestic Goddess extra time to "move". Baggy, Furry Mama and all four furries, moved to the "other" house, their now home, two weeks before Christmas. Number one and two furries settled instantly, as both Calum and Minty Mutt had been backwards and forwards, staying there at weekends, for weeks. Numbers three and four furries, well, Bracket kat hid under the bed for four days, while Hinge cat threw herself on her back and purred a lot. Six weeks on they're both very happy but have not yet been allowed out, as Furry Mama needs them 100% settled, before she risks it. Mind you, so far they have shown no inclination to go outside anyway, which makes Freda Fretter very happy.

Christmas was lovely, just Baggy plus furries. Plus THREE Christmas trees, because Creative Clara got so excited that she couldn't help herself. The counselling turned Baggy from a "bah-humbug" to an excited kid, from hating Christmas to loving it - especially when she saw her Christmas present - a bicycle!

For the last few weeks, The Domestic Goddess has been unpacking boxes and finding homes for everything (and no bloggees, she hasn't succeeded). Gloria Gardener has started on the garden that's not been touched for four years. She did have all the really heavy cutting and lopping done by a friend first though, as Baggy might be 98% fit again now, but she is getting on a bit! Furry Mama and Minty Mutt have been discovering the local walks.

Sadly Hormonal Hannah has been a pain and after Christmas the black cloud got rather dark over Baggy. But she's been keeping really busy, which helps.

So the last piece of the jigsaw is to move the horses. That bloggees is happening tomorrow! Wesley and Joey are being collected at 9.00am and moving to their new home. Grotty Groom will be very happy to have them nearby once again. So today, Grotty and Calum have spent pretty much all day packing up the final bits - yeah right - the "bits" filled the entire buck of Dodgy truck!! Amidst the chaos Calum asked Grotty if she'd remembered the Boys' passports. Nope! Clever Bird had put them by Baggy's handbag so that Hormonal Hannah wouldn't let her forget them. Now, if Clever Bird, really were a Clever Bird, she would have put them in Baggy's handbag. The passports are still at home, a seventy-five minute drive away. Sigh! It is illegal to travel horses in the UK without their passports. Number one furry is currently making the round trip to fetch said passports..........

Baggy has been persuaded by a lot of lovely bloggees, to come back!

Note to readers (my lovely bloggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every person in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Clever Bird has been persuaded by many of her bloggees, to let Creative Clara return to the ether and start to share Baggy and her gang's life once more. There are many reasons for this. One of the main ones being that it was therapeutic for Hormonal Hannah and her depression and anxiety. And when Clara started to write it, she had hoped that it might help someone else who was going through similar surgery to Baggy's (to remove Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst). Then when Baggy was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, she hoped that by being honest and open about those (still rather 'embarrassing' "hidden") issues, that that too might help someone. What she hadn't entirely appreciated, until her last blog was "blocked", was just how many of her bloggees would really worry about her, once she vanished from the virtual airways, and would miss her! Not for the reasons that Clever Bird might have expected either, but just because Creative Clara was managing to bring a smile to many a bloggee, who might well be having struggles of their own, or who just appreciate Baggy's, (what shall we call it?), "quirkiness".

And today, Baggy and her number one furry, Calum, have been to a funeral. A funeral for one of Calum's aunts. A very, very special lady who was incredibly loved by a lot of people - (the Church was brimming over) - and who was one of Baggy's most loyal bloggees. She battled with cancer for two years, but still sent Baggy personal messages if she read that Baggy had had a difficult day. So, in her honour and for the many bloggees who have asked Baggy to come back - HERE SHE IS!

Clever Bird has set her up a new blog name and will make sure Creative Clara is a little more circumspect with her enthusiasm to create a laugh! She will assume that people have not realised that there is only one Baggy, and that no Baggy is hurt in the making of this blog. She will attempt to not get blocked again. And for those of you who haven't met the gang before, or who need a reminder of the who's who in the land of Baggy, here you go:

Baggy Body is the rather mentally and physically scarred body that belongs to me.

Everyone else is also ME, doing stuff!

Creative Clara writes (this blog, a www.channillo.com journal series, and is writing a novel). And makes things. She also has an etsy shop - Realuv.
Hormonal Hannah is my depression, anxiety and menopausal personality.
Furry Mama is me with my furries (Calum - the husband, Minty Mutt the German Shepherd, Hinge and Bracket, the rescue cats).
Grotty Groom is me with our horses Wesley and Joey.
The Domestic Goddess is me at my usual terrible, house-keeping best.
Gloria Gardener is me attempting to dig stuff and work out a weed from a perennial.
Hairy Biker Hen very occasionally appears when I don leathers and go out on my Kawasaki 650ERn.
Archaeology Annie appears when I can't walk across a field without picking up a Mesolithic tool or five.
Lady Eadwynn appears when I go to a re-enactment show, usually as a Saxon.
Clever Bird is always here. She is my intelligence - of which there is a lot, and my common sense of which there is very little, a lot of the time.

There are others too, but Hormonal Hannah is not letting Baggy remember who they are at the moment. So that's it. Watch this new space, as Baggy is back.............