Baggy feels a total failure.

Well Baggees, it's that time of year again - time to be happy and jolly and bright, or whatever the expression is. That's not always easy for many people, for lots of reasons. There is so much expectation put on just a few days, without other mitigating factors being involved: missing a loved one; being very poorly; not having enough money; being on your own; having to deal with family gatherings you'd rather avoid etc. etc., the expectation alone can be enough to result in disappointment.

As Creative Clara has mentioned in the past, Baggy has always, until recent years, been a bit of a humbug. Thanks to her childhood, she's disliked both Christmas and New Year and has generally, probably as a result of stressing about it, got poorly shortly before it. Number one furry and Baggy's sister on the other hand, love Christmas, and so Baggy has finally come to love it too. However, whether it's because of the weird weather, or the fact that Christmas this year is mid-week or because the Christmas decorations are still in the attic, Baggy is not feeling it at present.

And it's time that she was honest with you all Baggees (and herself). Part of the problem, perhaps all of the problem this year, is that she's exhausted herself pretending that Hormonal Hannah is okay. She'd done a pretty good job of it, she even had Clever Bird believing it. But the truth is that since she came off her anti-depressants and also the HRT she's really not been great. It's not so much the depression, as that seems to have been in abeyance for some time, it's the anxiety. The anxiety is constant. It is in fact so constant, that Baggy had learnt to live with it. At least she thought she had.

Today she had another follow-up appointment with her lovely GP to assess Baggy's iron levels. That was fine, well kind of: Baggy is still no longer anaemic, but her iron levels have dropped again and are a third of what they should be - probably because she keeps forgetting to take her iron tablets.
'And how are you otherwise?'
'Yeah, I'm great thanks.'
'Are you riding again?'
'Well no.'
'Why not? You were going to ride your husband's horse.'
'I did say that didn't I, but, well, I don't know really,' mumbled Baggy blinking rapidly, as she tried not to let Hannah cry. She lost the battle.
'So how are you really?'
'I really am okay, but it is a constant battle. To be honest, I haven't even been able to go and see the horses - I don't know why...' More tears (and apologies).

So, in brief, Hannah is back on anti-depressants, Setraline and to avoid Baggy from getting more stomach ulcers, she's also on Omeprazole.  She also has some Diazepam in case of emergencies with her neck and shoulder. How does she feel about all this? Terrible. As though she's failed. And let Calum down. But of course that, as Clever Bird well knows, is the anxiety speaking! Baggy just wanted to be 'normal' again - off all the drugs. In fact the truth is that she is 'normal' again, as unfortunately, her 'normal' is an anxiety-ridden scared woman, who'll function because she has to and doesn't want to worry her husband, but who isn't really living her life because her anxiety stops her.

If normal means functioning properly, then the truth is that that requires her to rebalance the chemicals in her brain. Therefore although Baggy feels like a total failure and is even now sitting with the pills next to her, yet hasn't taken one, she needs to at least get Clever Bird to acknowledge that it is the right thing to do............


Note to readers (my lovely Baggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every character in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Baggy's daily state!
Depression (Black = really bad/Grey = not great/Blue = okay/Yellow = sunny day): Blue.
Anxiety (From 1 = barely any to 10 = gibbering wreck standard): 6. 
Tears: Naturally.
Baggy: 210.