As Creative Clara has mentioned before, unlike many of you, Baggy is used to spending most of her time on her own; so the coronavirus lockdown has actually done her a favour - she's now not on her own, as number one furry is home with her. This is a massive relief for the gang, but particularly for Hormonal Hannah, who would be struggling to cope at all if he wasn't at home. As it is, she seems to have gone into her "usual" trauma response, which in Hannah's case is rather a complex one. But it involves a great deal of dissociation from, not just what is happening, but from Baggy herself. Her response is, and always has been, what is known as the fawn response.
If you've never heard of this fourth trauma response Baggees, it is one where to "face" life, let alone an actual threat, such as the current global one, the person will do everything in their power to "people please". In Hormonal Hannah's case, this has meant that in the case of the current lockdown:
- She will follow the rules to the letter, and even struggle not to go further than that.
- She won't say how she's truly feeling about the situation, for fear of offending someone.
- She will do everything in her power to avoid any conflict (even though people breaking the rules are annoying the hell out of her).
- She will still believe that she's doing everything wrong.
- And that people are judging her for it.
Because of this Hannah is in her fifth week of lockdown, having decided way before the government did, that it was the only sensible option. But she's struggling, because she's surviving in a bubble of numbness, that makes it seem as if she is watching Baggy and the gang going through the motions.
Creative Clara is struggling to explain the highly complex emotions that are coursing through Baggy's veins currently, but she's trying to, because Clever Bird knows that many of you will also be struggling with this new world that exists right now and possibly experiencing your own trauma responses, which are not something that you recognise in yourselves.
For anxiety sufferers like Hannah, one of the things that is a constant theme in their lives is that they are always waiting for the next disaster to totally derail them. And let's face it Baggees, this one is a doozy of a disaster for everybody. And most people probably believe, that as long as they follow the rules and social distance, and wash their hands lots, and resist touching their face, they'll not catch Covid-19. Most people probably also believe, that even if they did catch it, they'll recover from it and at least then they'll be immune from it.
However, as an anxiety sufferer, all Hannah can see is the threat. And it's an invisible one at that, so every single person on this planet is a threat to her, even her beloved husband. (Take note Baggees, that Clever Bird knows that Cal is more than safety conscious, but that's irrelevant to Hannah). If she could have her way, Hannah would now literally lock herself in her home, and not leave it again until Covid-19 had been wiped from the face of the earth; she would probably only venture into Gloria Gardener's garden when she could be sure that no one was going to walk up the lane next to it. Why? Because Hannah thinks that she may well become infected with Covid-19, and that if she does, she may well die, but even if she didn't die, she wouldn't be immune and would probably catch it again. Or possibly, even worse than that, Calum will get it and die, and Baggy will lose him, like she loses everyone that she loves. And that Baggees is the truth of it - that is how Hannah feels, every single day that this crisis continues.
Naturally, she is now thinking of all the people who will read this and think that she is being ridiculous, negative, silly, unreasonable, pathetic, or any other inadequate thing that she can be, and panicking that she shouldn't publish it - Baggy's heart is racing, and her blood pressure is clearly up, because she's having a hot flush. But she's doing it against her fawning instincts, in an attempt to be honest about how she's been feeling, and in hope that it might help someone else who can't quite work out what they're feeling at present.
The good news is that at least her inborn ability to unconsciously dissociate herself, allows her to watch the gang functioning, because they need to carry on as best they can! To stop Pepper Pooch from becoming depressed and anxious, he needs at least one walk each day. To try to keep herself and number one furry as safe as possible, Hannah's solution is to undertake their daily exercise of a 3-mile walk from the house, at sunrise.
Or, if they fail to get up at 5.30am (bearing in mind that Baggy is usually a very late riser), they walk at dusk instead - anything to avoid other people a.k.a. "threats".
And to keep Freda Fretter from allowing Hannah to focus on the news too much, Gloria Gardener and The Domestic Goddess have been busy as well. Baggy has also been helping Calum to make more improvements to the new bit of their garden - (Creative Clara totally forgot to take the before photos, but visualise loose soil and no girders holding it back).
And The Goddess has been cooking up healthy things, so that Baggy has now lost 1 stone 11 pounds (even though she's walking half the distance that she was, before lockdown).
Hormonal Hannah would just like to end this blog, by saying that whatever you are feeling at present Baggees, it's okay to feel it! Take care of yourself in the best way to suit your own needs, and stay safe Baggees, because only you can know exactly how you're feeling right now...
Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!
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