When it's all getting too much.

Baggy's daily state!
Depression (Black = really bad/Grey = not great/Blue = okay/Yellow = sunny day): Grey.
Anxiety (From 1 = barely any to 10 = gibbering wreck standard): 9.
Tears: Yes, as she had a total meltdown this morning.
Overall day: It improved.

Clever Bird has decided to reintroduce Hormonal Hannah's "Feelings Chart", because it's more honest than the rose-tinted spectacles view of life, that Creative Clara is feeling the need to promote at the moment. This need is twofold, firstly there's too much awful stuff to read at present, without Clara adding to it, and secondly, just writing about how she's actually feeling currently, makes her feel even worse. The chart will enable Baggees who wish to do so, to read between the lines...

Why Hannah woke today in such a bad place, is anybody's guess, but had the world been normal, and had she visited her doctor, she would almost certainly have been persuaded to go back onto some form of antidepressant. But as it isn't normal, and she couldn't visit her doctor if she wanted to, there was no need for Clever Bird to decline drugs; which although they help her no end mentally, were destroying the lining of Baggy's stomach. Instead, after admitting to number one furry, that she was scared of her own shadow today, Baggy made Hannah have a nice long hot shower, before getting her to do ten-minutes of meditation. Now Hannah is extremely new to this, so it's taking a bit of doing, but it helped enough to persuade her that she should let Furry Mama take Pepper Pooch out for a walk - even though it was mid-morning.

Calum was off to brave a shopping trip, armed with The Domestic Goddess's shopping list, so Furry Mama decided it would be good to get out for a while; largely prompted by an earlier conversation she'd had with the Pooch.

"Haz I dun sumthin rong mum?"
"I wish I could explain what's going on Peps. I know it's not fair."
"Haz I den?"
"You haven't done anything wrong baby, you're a good boy."
"So y downt u take me to de sandy plase no morr?"
"I wish we could go to the beach. I miss it as much as you do, but we can't drive there."
"I cud still ave me ball tho."
"It's all too much isn't it? I know you don't understand why you can't have your tennis ball either, but I need to save your teeth. It's a bit of a disaster that the two things have happened together."
"Iz really not me den?"
"You're being ever so good. You are - I love you."
"I noze dat mum. I luv u. I juz go an lie down agen den."
"Do you want to go for a walk?"
"Stoopid qwestyun mum - lez go! Now! Now! Now!"
"I'll take that as a yes then. Stop jumping on me, I need to get my boots on."

Furry Mama and Pepper Pooch headed out of the house. Twenty yards up the lane they met their first person, then another. Freda Fretter stopped and waited, and watched three other people heading towards them from three different paths. Hannah started to freak out. Baggy's heart was racing so fast that she thought she might pass out, as she struggled to breathe properly.

"I'm really sorry Scooch, I can't do this," said Furry Mama doing a rapid u-turn and heading back to the house to get away from everyone.
"Iz okay mum. I stay wiv u."

Calum was just about to drive off, when Baggy banged on his window.

"Are you okay?"
"No, sorry. I can't do it. It's just too busy."
"Hop in! I'll take you to the footpath."

Pepper Pooch and Furry Mama were dropped off on a quiet lane, next to an isolated footpath. They had a pleasant walk across fields, where they saw only cows, sheep, pheasants, rabbits and chirping birds. It was only when they reached the massive park in Halesworth that they started to encounter people (quite a lot of them), but there was more than enough room to stay yards away from each other. An hour later, they were home, and Hannah was no longer causing Baggy to tremble from head to toe. 

Calum arrived home shortly afterwards, loaded down with the week's shopping. He'd managed to get pretty much everything on the list, so The Domestic Goddess set to, and made a Goulash Soup and Savoury Slices from her programme cookery book. That's the lunches sorted for a few days. And being in control of at least one aspect of Baggy's life, helps Hannah to become calmer...

Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!

When trauma causes us to react - Fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

As Creative Clara has mentioned before, unlike many of you, Baggy is used to spending most of her time on her own; so the coronavirus lockdown has actually done her a favour - she's now not on her own, as number one furry is home with her. This is a massive relief for the gang, but particularly for Hormonal Hannah, who would be struggling to cope at all if he wasn't at home. As it is, she seems to have gone into her "usual" trauma response, which in Hannah's case is rather a complex one. But it involves a great deal of dissociation from, not just what is happening, but from Baggy herself. Her response is, and always has been, what is known as the fawn response.

If you've never heard of this fourth trauma response Baggees, it is one where to "face" life, let alone an actual threat, such as the current global one, the person will do everything in their power to "people please". In Hormonal Hannah's case, this has meant that in the case of the current lockdown:

• She will follow the rules to the letter, and even struggle not to go further than that. 
• She won't say how she's truly feeling about the situation, for fear of offending someone.
• She will do everything in her power to avoid any conflict (even though people breaking the rules are annoying the hell out of her).
• She will still believe that she's doing everything wrong.
• And that people are judging her for it.

Because of this Hannah is in her fifth week of lockdown, having decided way before the government did, that it was the only sensible option. But she's struggling, because she's surviving in a bubble of numbness, that makes it seem as if she is watching Baggy and the gang going through the motions. 

Creative Clara is struggling to explain the highly complex emotions that are coursing through Baggy's veins currently, but she's trying to, because Clever Bird knows that many of you will also be struggling with this new world that exists right now and possibly experiencing your own trauma responses, which are not something that you recognise in yourselves.

For anxiety sufferers like Hannah, one of the things that is a constant theme in their lives is that they are always waiting for the next disaster to totally derail them. And let's face it Baggees, this one is a doozy of a disaster for everybody. And most people probably believe, that as long as they follow the rules and social distance, and wash their hands lots, and resist touching their face, they'll not catch Covid-19. Most people probably also believe, that even if they did catch it, they'll recover from it and at least then they'll be immune from it.

However, as an anxiety sufferer, all Hannah can see is the threat. And it's an invisible one at that, so every single person on this planet is a threat to her, even her beloved husband. (Take note Baggees, that Clever Bird knows that Cal is more than safety conscious, but that's irrelevant to Hannah). If she could have her way, Hannah would now literally lock herself in her home, and not leave it again until Covid-19 had been wiped from the face of the earth; she would probably only venture into Gloria Gardener's garden when she could be sure that no one was going to walk up the lane next to it. Why? Because Hannah thinks that she may well become infected with Covid-19, and that if she does, she may well die, but even if she didn't die, she wouldn't be immune and would probably catch it again. Or possibly, even worse than that, Calum will get it and die, and Baggy will lose him, like she loses everyone that she loves. And that Baggees is the truth of it - that is how Hannah feels, every single day that this crisis continues.

Naturally, she is now thinking of all the people who will read this and think that she is being ridiculous, negative, silly, unreasonable, pathetic, or any other inadequate thing that she can be, and panicking that she shouldn't publish it - Baggy's heart is racing, and her blood pressure is clearly up, because she's having a hot flush. But she's doing it against her fawning instincts, in an attempt to be honest about how she's been feeling, and in hope that it might help someone else who can't quite work out what they're feeling at present.

The good news is that at least her inborn ability to unconsciously dissociate herself, allows her to watch the gang functioning, because they need to carry on as best they can! To stop Pepper Pooch from becoming depressed and anxious, he needs at least one walk each day. To try to keep herself and number one furry as safe as possible, Hannah's solution is to undertake their daily exercise of a 3-mile walk from the house, at sunrise.

Or, if they fail to get up at 5.30am (bearing in mind that Baggy is usually a very late riser), they walk at dusk instead - anything to avoid other people a.k.a. "threats".

And to keep Freda Fretter from allowing Hannah to focus on the news too much, Gloria Gardener and The Domestic Goddess have been busy as well. Baggy has also been helping Calum to make more improvements to the new bit of their garden - (Creative Clara totally forgot to take the before photos, but visualise loose soil and no girders holding it back).

And The Goddess has been cooking up healthy things, so that Baggy has now lost 1 stone 11 pounds (even though she's walking half the distance that she was, before lockdown).

Hormonal Hannah would just like to end this blog, by saying that whatever you are feeling at present Baggees, it's okay to feel it! Take care of yourself in the best way to suit your own needs, and stay safe Baggees, because only you can know exactly how you're feeling right now...

Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!

Staying busy.

It's amazing what is just on your doorstep when you have the time to look. As non-essential journeys are banned, Furry Mama is taking the Pooch out directly from their home. Freda Fretter is avoiding the lovely walks that are directly behind the house though, as it's like Piccadilly Circus out there at present, with every child, parent and dog walker descending there. Instead she's been walking around the local footpaths across fields, by the local River Blyth, and through woodlands; walks that Clever Bird didn't even know existed a few weeks ago.

Better yet, number one furry has been accompanying Furry Mama and Pepper, albeit, today he gave it a miss, as three or four mile walks, when he's not used to them is taking its toll a little. 

Pepper Pooch on the other hand is finally becoming a proper dog! Since Furry Mama was told that she needed to wean him off ball chasing, in order to protect his teeth, he has started exploring, running and sniffing, like a real dog, rather than being constantly obsessed about when his next ball throw would take place.

It's great to see, and is easier on Baggy, who isn't bending down every few minutes to pick up a soggy, dirty tennis ball!

Observant Baggees will note that Creative Clara's photos of the Pooch, are no longer of a dog, dipped down, ears back, poised, waiting to pounce on a ball; but are of a dog being a dog.

The only slight downside is that every time the Boy spots some water, he's straight into it. So, much to his frustration because he's allergic to river weeds, as soon as they get home again, Furry Mama gives him a shower. At least he actually fits into the shower cubicle, unlike Minty Mutt who was far too big to get into it. And he dries off really fast in his snuggly coat...

... helped a lot by the gorgeous spring weather that Suffolk is having.

Meanwhile, Calum has bought Gloria Gardener a few new plants whilst on his forages for vegetables and cat food, at the village's farm shop. Gloria has had fun planting new baskets, and putting a few new primulas in her little rock garden.

Today, he even managed to find a few herbs for The Domestic Goddess! It's so expensive buying fresh herbs all the time, so Gloria is going to do her best to provide them for her.

Furry Mama hasn't forgotten the featheries either! Today Calum replaced the totally rotten bird table, (that was reattached to a giant pole as a temporary measure)...

... and decided to reuse the copper chimney flue, that used to be in the old house. Okay Baggees, it's a tad eccentric, but it's the perfect stable base, for the wonderful bird table that they treated themselves to last autumn.

Ta-dah!

It's also quite practical, as Bracket kat will not be able to climb it, and with any luck, neither will Cyril-the-squirrel.

Baggy loves it!

All-in-all, the patio area, which has been totally unusable for the last six months, thanks to the junk that was on it, is once more a pleasure to sit in.

Busy, busy, busy is definitely the way forward for Baggy during this lockdown...

Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!

Incredibly anxious times.

Now that large parts of the world are on, what is effectively, a total lockdown, life has changed beyond recognition. Clever Bird knows that Baggy is incredibly fortunate: she lives in a fairly large house, with a lovely garden, in a semi-rural location; so it is comfortable for her to "stay at home". But the truth is that there's a rather large problem for Baggy in this scenario - that being a woman called Hormonal Hannah! As regular Baggees know, Hormonal Hannah is a bit of a challenge to say the least! When she is suffering from depression, or is particularly anxious, all she wishes to do is to remain at home! But now that she has little choice in the matter, she needs exactly the opposite, and it is having a seriously detrimental effect on her mental well-being. Far from finding it her safe place, Hannah is feeling as if it is her prison, and it is causing her depression to reappear.

Hannah was okay, because Grotty Groom was spending time with her horses, Furry Mama was taking her and the Pooch to the beach regularly and therefore over half her day was used up by Baggy being active. The routine was soothing Hannah, and she was in a good place. Now, Grotty can't go to see her horses and Baggy can't take Furry Mama and the Pooch to the beach, so her newly forged routine was over before it had even become properly established. Hannah and Freda Fretter found themselves obsessing about the latest news on Covid-19, and becoming afraid to even leave the sanctuary of their home for their daily exercise. This was good news for The Domestic Goddess, who became the gang leader and did a marvelous job of feeding Baggy and getting the house in order. But as the days went on, and number one furry continued to work all over the country, Hannah got worse, and more anxious.

Last Friday, as Baggy chatted to Calum on the phone, she heard him swear, as people at the site he was delivering to, started to jump onto the back of the trailer on his lorry. When she put the phone down after the conversation, Hannah had a bit of a meltdown - staying at home, self-distancing as best she can, is a bit pointless if her husband was exposed and brought it home with him! So, she was highly relieved when he told her on Friday evening, that he would not be going back to work until this lockdown is lifted.

Today is therefore day 6, of self-isolation with Baggy's husband at home, and Hannah is beginning to cope a little better - as long as she stays ridiculously busy, that is! The photos above are of their newly reclaimed patio. (Creative Clara forgot to take the 'before' photos, and frankly, they would have been embarrassing anyway), the entire patio was covered in junk! It took two days of hard labour to get it to this stage, and much rubbish, including the old, rotten table had to be disposed of, so Calum had a bit of a fire-pit session.

The man shed, has also progressed a little bit, closely supervised by Pepper Pooch.

But today, Hannah still woke up in a panic! Freda Fretter was worried about Pepper, who is scratching badly, whether through stress or allergies, Furry Mama isn't sure. And Clever Bird knows that he is struggling with the lack of exercise; as is Hannah! So, today, Calum suggested a proper walk!

After walking across the fields, they headed across the park, before going into Halesworth. As Hannah started to panic at the sight of the ghost town, Calum said, "Just pretend that it's a Sunday." She tried, but actually, even though the town remains pretty much closed on a Sunday, it was always still much busier than it was today. But they bought some fresh meat and vegetables, before walking home again, and at least Hannah didn't have to worry about avoiding people. By the time they got home, they'd walked four miles in total, with one-and-a-half of those miles home, lugging their purchases! But even though Baggy ached in every muscle, Hannah was once again relaxed!

In these difficult times, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, try to take care of your mental health Baggees! Even people who do not suffer from clinical anxiety, might be finding themselves extremely anxious at present, and it's to be expected; so do whatever you need to, to keep positive, whilst staying safe. Take care Baggees...

Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!