Baggy's daily state!
Depression (Black = really bad/Grey = not great/Blue = okay/Yellow = sunny day): Grey.
Anxiety (From 1 = barely any to 10 = gibbering wreck standard): 6.
Tears: Some, quiet hidden ones.
It's funny/ironic/good, (Clever Bird is unsure which), that since Creative Clara announced to the ether that Baggy has both depression and anxiety, it seems to be 'the thing' of the moment in the UK to discuss! Clearly Baggy did not start this trend, either it's just a coincidence, or as when you buy a new car, you suddenly notice that every other car on the road seems to be the same model! Even the soaps are discussing mental health issues, at the moment. Coronation Street has had a really upsetting suicide by a lead character who seemed to have everything in the world to live for. Now all the family and other characters are asking, 'Why did he do it?', saying that 'Something must have happened over night to make him do it', 'He was so happy - it makes no sense.' But depression doesn't make any sense!
Baggy has everything to live for too. She is incredibly lucky with her family, her friends, and her furries. She lives in a beautiful part of the world, in a lovely house and doesn't have to go out to a job that she hates every day. She is in pretty good health and has an active and interesting life. And before you start worrying Baggees, no she is not suicidal! But in spite of the seemingly carefree life that she is genuinely Blessed to have, on many days, Hormonal Hannah brings her seriously down. If you've never suffered from depression it's really not easy to explain. It's not easy to explain, because it doesn't make a lot of sense. How can you be walking on a beautiful beach with your lovely husband and adorable pooch, enjoying collecting unusual pebbles for Creative Clara but feeling sick inside? Having an actual physical feeling of pressure on your chest that makes it hard to breathe? Feeling as if you have no right to be happy? 'Knowing' that it's all going to end badly at some point soon, because you don't deserve anything else? Then feeling terribly guilty for feeling like that - how can you feel like that when you have such a wonderful life? But you do, so you must deserve it, mustn't you? But you hide it and stick a smile on your face because you feel guilty about feeling so awful, when everything in your life is so good. But how long can you do that before you can no longer cope?
Baggy reached that stage a couple of years ago! This is her blog from 23rd May 2016 at www.baggybodys.blogspot.com :
Well Hormonal Hannah has just demonstrated to the Doctor, exactly what kind of influence she is having on Baggy. Baggy cried all the way through her appointment - between blubs and apologies she just about managed to get some of how she was feeling across. She managed to remember to thank the Doctor for having discovered Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst in the first place. She totally forgot to tell the Doctor that her heart has been being silly again. But she did (well Freda Fretter thinks she did) manage to explain that the biggest problem was Baggy's sudden lack of confidence about anything and everything. Which on some days results in her not wanting to leave the house - or truth be told - her bed. She also remembered to mention (rather erratically), that she might still be grieving for her Dad and even her Stepmother. The Doctor seemed convinced that Hormonal Hannah was the culprit and that the anxiety that she is causing Baggy is making all the other stuff worse.
Before the Doctor could offer Baggy HRT, Clever Bird explained that she didn't really want Baggy on it. The Doctor said that it would treat only the physical symptoms anyway. Well ghastly as they are, Baggy can cope with the hot flushes, the night sweats and even the sleeplessness (because she's used to it). It wouldn't help with the other stuff. So the Doctor asked if Baggy would consider anti-depressants. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Baggy has been on them briefly once before and had no idea what planet she was on. So, Clever Bird declined.
The poor Doctor then hesitantly asked whether Baggy would consider some form of "help" in the shape of counselling. Yes, that sounded like a plan. Baggy pocketed the self-referral card. Freda Fretter then asked the Doctor if Baggy was making a mistake declining HRT and anti-depressants. The Doctor was very quick to say that she wasn't. Phew. When she got home, Clever Bird spent half-an-hour filling in the self referral forms on line, only for the blooming system to refuse to accept Baggy's e-mail address as a valid one and reject it totally, so that she could not submit the form. Hormonal Hannah went from tears to fury in a second. Baggy's laptop just survived her outburst! Once Clever Bird had calmed her down, she told Baggy to call the phone number instead, tomorrow. Okay. And breathe Baggy.
Pity she's not still that slim! But anyway, the point being that Baggy was in a much worse place than Clara stated in that blog. The counselling she had helped no end, but only once she'd started on the happy pills!! They helped her brain to work a little more like a 'normal' brain (without the anxious fug constantly smothering it). Clever Bird knows that they don't work for everyone, but they do seem to help Baggy. She proved this last week, when Clever Bird decided to try and wean Hormonal Hannah off them (without seeing the Doctor - yeah Baggees she knows.......). Anyway, she decided to halve her dose, as Baggy seemed to be fine most of the time. Big mistake! It only took a few days for the depression to come back with a vengeance. And that's the thing - depression is a mental imbalance that can be helped by replacing a chemical that should be there naturally. If it's not there, then it helps to replace it. But Freda Fretter isn't mad on taking tablets, which is pretty dumb, if they help.
Baggy is very open about her depression, partly because she thinks that it must be outwardly obvious to everyone anyway, but in spite of all the recent publicity, many people still visibly flinch if she mentions it, or jokes about her happy pills. It's not at all outwardly obvious in most people - especially someone like Baggy who looks a bit 'out there' and confident. The truth is, that there is no way of knowing how someone else is feeling, unless you care enough to ask, and even more importantly, listen to their answer, 'I'm fine thanks,' is often a sure indication that someone is not fine at all.........
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