Baggy's daily state!
Depression (Black = really bad/Grey = not great/Blue = okay/Yellow = sunny day): Really Black.
Anxiety (From 1 = barely any to 10 = gibbering wreck standard): 8.
Tears: Oh yes.
Clever Bird has recognised quite a few things in the last few days. Firstly, the happy pills that Hormonal Hannah has had Baggy on for the last two years, were a lot more effective than she'd appreciated. Now they're out of her system, Baggy's brain has gone back to the chemically-imbalanced, mushy, over-emotional, anxious state that it was in before she started taking them! She had forgotten just how bad a black cloud could be; and just how ghastly feeling so anxious about life in general can be. Having said that, Clever Bird also recognises that coming off the Sertraline does have an upside; yes Baggees, she's crying a lot more, but some of those tears have been happy ones, others have been empathetic ones, and some have been proper sadness for other beings. Clever Bird had not quite appreciated that the "happy" pills, actually suppress all emotions - including the good ones. She's laughed a lot more since she's been off them - even when the cloud has been about!
When the doctor asked Baggy on the phone, which was the larger problem, her depression or anxiety, she said that they were as bad as each other. However, Clever Bird now realises that because Baggy has lived (and coped) with depression for most of her life, the thing that is causing her the bigger problem is Hannah's anxiety! The anxiety, which most of the time is not even rational, can then make the depression worse. But it's also the anxiety that stops Baggy from doing things! Yes, of course depression makes her want to curl up under the duvet and stay asleep, but it's the anxiety that takes it a step further, and makes her 'scared' to do anything - even when it's really bad, scared to leave the house! So, with the anxiety back in full (horrible) swing, Clever Bird knows that she is emitting a very 'wired' and worried energy.
It's taken Clever Bird a while to realise just how powerful this negative energy is, until Furry Mama and Grotty Groom both spotted it as a light-bulb moment, yesterday. Pepper Pooch has for the last few days, been very anxious and jumpy, much more like he was when he first arrived in the Baggy household a year ago (Crumbs, where did that year go?). Much cowering, tail between his legs, freaking out to get away from strange noises, even waking up from nightmares with a dazed look on his face, the poor sausage. Clever Bird, after a conversation with a friend at the yard, realised that this had all started, just after Hannah's total over reaction, and mini-meltdown, last Thursday, when the doctor didn't call her, as arranged. As usual Pepper always follows Furry Mama wherever she goes, but he's kept his distance more, not giving her cuddles, not sleeping on Baggy's bed, not quite sure how to reassure her. Then (also yesterday), when Grotty Groom went into the stable block to see her Boys, far from coming over to her as they usually do, they both looked at her, then carried on eating their hay. Wessles wouldn't even come to her when she called him. This was when Clever Bird finally made the connection! She's always known that Wesley was exceptionally sensitive to her energy, but it became obvious that Pepper is too. And because he's with Furry Mama 24/7, he shows it even more.
'So Mum, I know you're scared, but I can't see what you're scared of.'
'No idea pooch - life?'
'Well how am I supposed to protect you from that? Now I'm scared too. I don't know what to do. Please don't be scared, I can't cope.'
'Sorry pooch, I really don't want you to be scared. There's nothing to be scared of! Come on, we can do this - let's look after each other.'
'Thanks Mum, I really need you to be confident for me. There's so much scary stuff to cope with.'
'That's my job Peps! We'll be fine; there really isn't much scary stuff, at least, nothing we can't cope with. Let's go to the beach.'
Fact: Pepper Pooch is now pointing out to Baggy, when Hannah's demons are getting too much and in order not to freak the poor boy out, Furry Mama is making Baggy calm down enough to relax him - hence removing herself some distance away from those demons! (Emotional Support Dog).
Fact: Wessles, is, and always will be Baggy's angel. He too lets Grotty know, when Baggy's energy is making him anxious. In the past, this has meant Hannah withdrawing from letting Grotty anywhere near her horse (BTW, Clever Bird is literally only just making sense of this, as Creative Clara types this Baggees!!), but she has now realised that, that guilt, which has always caused this withdrawal, is totally misplaced!! Wesley wants Grotty around him but he wants her to control Baggy's feelings of angst first! (Emotional Support Horse).
So this morning, after yet another night of ghastly dreams, in which every other person was trying to kill Baggy, she didn't sleep in and let the depression win; she got up and she and the pooch went to the yard. Today, both horses whickered when they saw Grotty and came straight to their stable doors for cuddles. Grotty spent an hour grooming both of them, and when she was with Joey, Wesley kicked his door to get her to come back to him! Sadly, this is not a miracle cure. Baggy still feels sick and anxious, but she's not letting it take over her life! Pepper needs walking and playing with, and reassuring that the world is a good place; Wesley and Joey need grooming and cuddling, and Wesley too needs reassurance! It's up to Baggy to do that, so from now on, happy pills or not, Hormonal Hannah is not going to bring Wessles and Pepper down with her.........
No comments:
Post a Comment