Depression is hard to live with, whether you are the one suffering from it, or are the partner of the one suffering from it. Freda Fretter regularly wonders why number one furry puts up with Baggy! She's never been the easiest person to deal with, even when she's happy and seemingly full of confidence, because the reality is that she's never been full of confidence; indeed, frequently has no confidence at all. But recently, that lack of confidence has taken an unpleasant turn and Clever Bird is trying extremely hard to get Baggy to see it for what it is - depression and anxiety.
Fact: Baggy has put on weight, and is around three stone heavier than is deemed healthy. But in Hormonal Hannah's mind, this means that Baggy looks awful! Yet, she sees women who are significantly larger than she is, and can see only their beauty. It's just lack of confidence in her own appearance. Fact: Baggy has always avoided looking in mirrors. Now, when she does, she just sees a person she doesn't recognise and doesn't like. It's just lack of confidence in her own appearance. Fact: Baggy was so upset about her looks the other day that she didn't want to leave the house and Hormonal Hannah had a mini-meltdown. It's just lack of confidence in her own appearance. Fact: Calum adores Baggy regardless. It's just lack of confidence in her own appearance. Fact: To cheer Baggy up, Cal bought her a number of lovely new outfits that fit her (rather than cutting her in two). At the time, she loved them. Now, she thinks she looks awful in them. It's just lack of confidence in her own appearance.
Actually, Clever Bird, no it isn't. It is not just lack of confidence in her own appearance, it's deeper than that. It's a lifetime of believing that she wasn't good enough - at anything: exam results; career choices; relationships generally (romantic ones, friendships, being a 'good' daughter); anything you can think of really Baggees. She believed, (because she has always been led to believe), that she wasn't good enough. Most things weren't good enough for her father (a headmaster). Then she picked totally unsuitable partners, who in one way or another, put her down. She's had so many jobs that she lost count of them, and sounded as if she was lying at interviews because she couldn't remember where she was, when; she was made redundant, or 'let go', so many times. And add into the mix her appearance, and it starts to make some sense.
'You can never be too thin.' Baggy's mother.
'Seriously, are you going out without make-up?' An ex.
'You've put a lot of weight on.' Baggy's stepmother.
'You look much better without make-up.' A different ex.
'You're really letting yourself go - no wonder no one wants you.' Baggy's stepmother.
'Is that grey hair that I can see?' Baggy's mother.
'I would never have looked at you if you weren't thin.' Another ex.
'I am not going out to lunch with her looking like that!' Baggy's stepmother, to her father, when she thought that Baggy couldn't hear her. 'She looks like a slut.' No response from her father. 'And what does she think she looks like, wearing jeans when she's so fat?'
At the time, Baggy was about 43 years old, and perhaps a stone overweight. The comment was in reference to the fact that Baggy's long hair, was down, as she had just washed it and it was still not dry. Hormonal Hannah's response: to say not one word about the fact that she'd heard what had been said about her, but instead to tie her hair back in a ponytail, and wipe away the tears.
So when Hormonal Hannah is suffering from depression and/or anxiety, it matters not what she looks like - she believes that she looks awful. She could weigh her 'ideal' 12-stone, and believe that she looks awful - too thin, too tall, too angular. Or her current, 15-stone, and 'know' that she looks awful - too fat, too round, too old.
The fact that number one furry tells her that she's beautiful every single day, or that her sister says that she looks lovely in her new outfits - all irrelevant. Because Hormonal Hannah knows that she's not good enough!
Freda Fretter is also panicking because Baggy is 60 in a couple of weeks, and that's scary. Why would her gorgeous (younger) husband want an overweight, anxious, depressed old woman as his wife?
Because he would - and he does! Calum always thinks that Baggy is good enough. Indeed, he probably thinks that she's better than good enough. And that's what Clever Bird is making Hormonal Hannah focus on, when she's behaving so ridiculously. Baggy is good enough! That is all - Baggy is good enough! In fact, every one of us is good enough, as long as we do the best that we can in this life, no matter what we are doing.
Beautiful people, are beautiful from within. Their spirit shines out, be they small, tall, skinny, larger, young, old or somewhere in between. What isn't attractive, is constantly worrying about how you look, when there are so many more important things. So Clever Bird has had a stiff word with Hormonal Hannah, and told her to stop telling Baggy that she's not good enough, because Baggy is good enough, and Baggy is beautiful.
What's more, Baggy is thrilled to be reaching the milestone of 60 soon; after all if Lawrence-the-durmoid-cyst had not been discovered when he was, she might not have made it. Therefore, Baggy Body intends to carry on growing old (for as long as she can), not so gracefully, and when Hannah has her in a meltdown because she can see nothing except her extra pounds when she looks in a mirror, she'll just remind her that she's good enough, and she's beautiful...
Note to readers: For the avoidance of any doubt, every character in this blog is Baggy! No Baggy was harmed in its writing, although some of them get pretty confused!
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