The very definition of depression.

Note to readers (my lovely Baggees): For the avoidance of any doubt - every character in this blog is me!!! No Baggy was harmed in its writing.

Baggy's daily state!
Depression (Black = really bad/Grey = not great/Blue = okay/Yellow = sunny day): Grey.
Anxiety (From 1 = barely any to 10 = gibbering wreck standard): 4.
Tears: No.
Overall day(s): 💨

For the fifth day in a row Baggy woke with a neck and headache and itchy spots all over her stomach and thighs. The spots are down to an allergic reaction to flea bites (she thinks). The headache - who knows? The fleas are a worry though. The furries have all been de-fleaed regularly (well apart from number one), but even if they haven't got fleas, the number of critters that Hinge and Bracket keep bringing into the house are sure to have some. So before Baggy went to bed last night, she squirted flea poison all round the sitting room and snug, then locked all the furries out. Now Clever Bird just needs to figure out if that's done the job, or whether The Domestic Goddess needs flea-bombs as well, and to attack upstairs too. Ooooooooo, the joys of living in the country.

It is a joy really. When Furry Mama was out with Minty Mutt in it this morning, it occurred to her that if she didn't have Mint, Baggy might not leave the house. Hormonal Hannah has her back in that state of needing to stay in her safe place. She's not so bad when number one furry is here (probably because he is her safe place, as it were), but when she's on her own all week, she doesn't want to leave her home. Gloria Gardener will happily go out and sit in her domain (well her very-soon-to-be-her-domain legally), usually accompanied by at least two of the furries, but outside the boundaries.......nope. But Baggy has to go out with Furry Mama. She used to have to go out every day with Grotty Groom, but now her horses are being looked after, she doesn't have to, and pesky Hormonal Hannah is persuading her not to go and see them.

Clever Bird is well aware that this is not a healthy state of affairs, but seems unable to do much about it. Baggy has had a headache since Sunday which is driving her nuts. The flea bites aren't helpful either, so one way and another Hannah is feeling a bit sorry for herself. Yet, Clever Bird still can't snap her out of it. "Oh yeah baggees, the very definition of depression". Will it ever go away? It's exhausting. But when Baggy looks back on her life, she's pretty much always had the "cloud" with her. Revisiting memories as she seems to have been doing in the last few days, revisits some of the feelings she had at the time. The thrill of Biba, the excitement of dressing up, the boredom of watching rehearsals, the smell of the dust and cobwebs under the stage, the strangeness of central London (after sleepy Suffolk), the realisation of how different life with Baggy's Mum would have been to the one they lived with their Dad and Step-Mum - the overwhelming sick, despairing feeling that frequently hovered above all of these feelings, and the terrible anxiety that that induces. But now it's been given an official name, "depression and anxiety", Clever Bird is concerned that Hannah has been given some kind of permission to let it take charge of Baggy. She needs a purpose. So as Hannah doesn't wish to leave her haven, the purpose is the house.

The Domestic Goddess has been working on a bit of a surprise for number one when he gets home on Friday. Obviously she can't tell you what it is baggees, or it wouldn't be a surprise! Watch this space.......