Clever Bird has been having conversations with Freda Fretter - this is not a good thing. She is trying to decide whether knowing that you are "poorly" makes you worse. Or maybe just more aware of how you feel. Either way, Clever Bird reckons that Hormonal Hannah might be wallowing in her feelings a bit too much. Baggy was a total mess before she was officially "labelled" as anxious and depressed. Had in fact been a mess on and off, for most of her life. But Baggy always "put a brave face on" and got on with it as best she could. But this time round she'd got so bad that there was no "putting a brave face on" anything. She was just not coping. In the past when Baggy was that bad (quite often in truth), when the "brave face" wasn't an option, she would kind of shut down and go onto an automatic pilot. This equated to shutting out feelings and squashing emotions. She got so good at it that she's blanked out large swathes of her life. It's a self preservation mechanism that's served her well over the years, but it means that a lot of the time Baggy was only half alive, kind of going through the motions.
Now, when she tries to remember the real dramas in her life, they're a total muddle, or she just can't remember what happened, because her brain has blocked them out. Baggy has used this method for her whole life, so she's now so good at it that she'll do it unconsciously and automatically. As a result, she can forget what she did the day before quite easily. It's not healthy, and during her counselling Baggy was told to learn to "feel" again. Weird really, when Baggy can cry because she's seen someone crying on the telly - even if she was channel hopping and had no idea what they were crying for. But that's probably the point as Clever Bird pointed out, Baggy is crying without feeling. When she cries "with feeling", she instantly tries to shut it down. If anyone is with her she'll apologise. She doesn't really truly laugh very often either. Her number one furry is brilliant at making her smile and chuckle. He can get her to chuckle even when she feels rubbish, but she never really lets go and belly laughs.
Today Baggy had Hormonal Hannah's black cloud back. So annoying when she was fine yesterday. But Freda Fretter is worried that she's even mentioning it. And Creative Clara is seriously struggling to write this blog, but she's trying to remember her counselling and just allow herself to feel how she feels. She also remembered her stress management course and has kept busy. Furry Mama has taken the boy Mint out for three walks today and The Domestic Goddess has decided to keep at least one space clutter free, so the sitting room is looking lovely!
In that vein, Creative Clara will not be letting Baggy keep any of the glass she bought at auction, as it's already taking over the house!
So, next job this evening, get some of it into Realuv................
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